Go Ahead, Make Me Laugh

Laughing ZebraThings have been a little serious here on the blog lately, so I think it’s time to lighten things up. How about you tell me some jokes?

And how about a PRIZE for my favorite joke?

Here’s what we’ll do:

You share a good joke (not dirty) in the comments. Everyone will read them and laugh, getting some much-needed humor into our weekend. The deadline for entering jokes is Saturday night at 11:59 pm eastern daylight time. I will choose my favorite joke, announce it on the blog next week, and award the coveted prize.

YES, like all of publishing, this is a completely subjective endeavor! I get to choose my favorite, which will probably be the joke that makes me laugh the most. Clients of Books & Such are welcome to submit jokes but are not eligible to win.

 

So what’s the coveted prize?

A 30-minute phone call with me, in which I give you feedback on a query, proposal or manuscript (I will review up to 10 pages);

OR

A $25 Amazon gift card.

* * *

To kick things off, I thought I’d share the results of a joke contest we had here on the blog a couple of years ago. At that time I asked:

How many agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

And here are some of the best answers. Enjoy!

 

From Nancy Kimball:

None. If the agent is having to change the lightbulbs, I need to be querying someone else.

From Julie Nilson:

The agent doesn’t *change* it. She gently suggests revisions to the light bulb.

From Kathryn Elliott:

Did you fire the interns?

From Marion:

None.The lightbulb got rejected.(At least it didn’t get screwed.)

From Michael Seese:

Only one. The problem is, the publisher asks her to change it again. And again. And again…

From Amanda Jeanette:

Just one.
But it can take her months with all the different lightbulbs people dump on her desk on a daily basis: the incandescents she likes but lack a crucial component, the fluorescents that are usually good but almost never the right fit, and the black lights she keeps asking people never to send her. Even when her office (and home… and lunch break…) is well lit already, with a perfect fit for every lamp, and she has some reliable manufacturers, they keep on coming and she keeps on digging through them. She’d love an excuse to buy a new lamp, she just needs to love a lightbulb first.

From T.W. Wombat:

None. Changes are an editor’s job.

From Sparkling:

1 assistant to check if it’s really out.
1 agent to to check again and confirm it’s out and then discuss with an editor that will agree that the said light bulb is out.
Said lightbulb is replaced in approximately 2 years time.

From Erastes:

Dear Ms In Darkness,

I am sorry that I have had to reject your request to screw in your lightbulb, and although I do not usually supply feedback, I felt in this case it was merited.

Firstly, you sent the wrong type of lightbulb for the socket–it was clearly stated on the submission instructions that the lightbulb needed was a screw in type, but you sent a bayonet.

Secondly, despite clear instructions that the power must be off for me to be able to screw in the bulb (had I been able to) you had left the power ON.

These problems, combined with a lack of footstool means that I am unable to accede to your request. I am sure there are agent out there who would be willing to do what you wish but I’m afraid that you and I would be a bad fit.

I am unable to return your bulb, as you have not provided a SSAE, and I wish you luck with your electrical problem in the future.

Yours sincerely,

A N Agent

From Madeline Mora-Summonte

It’s impossible to say. The whole industry is moving toward ebulbs now.

From Arthur Smith:

Three. One to research which changing method is trending now, one to prepare a proposal on why the light bulb needs to be changed, and one to tweet about it.

From agent Steve Laube:

Without a platform you can’t reach the lightbulb.

From Sue:

Agent? Who needs an agent? All you need is a little glass and some wires to do it yourself, right? How hard can it be?

 

Time to enter those jokes in the comments! Have a great weekend.

 

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  • http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal

    PS–love all those answers!

  • http://vbartles.com/ Veronica Bartles

    My 9yo daughter has taken to making up jokes lately. My favorite so far:
    Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
    A: Nothing. It just shuts up! :)

  • Stephanie McGee

    Okay, so my coworker and good friend saw this one on Pinterest from a Laffy Taffy wrapper:

    What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow?

    Ready?

    Reality.

  • Kristi Ann Hunter

    I love jokes. How many times can we enter? :) Maybe I’ll just enter by type…

    The one liner:
    Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

    Question/Answer:
    Sherlock, what do they call primary school in America?
    Elementary, my dear Watson.
    (credit where credit is due, heard that one from Hank Green)

    Story Form:
    During a children’s sermon, a pastor asked the children, “What’s small, gray, and furry with a bushy tail?”

    One little boy screws his face up, looking very confused. He eases his hand up then answers, “Pastor, I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus, but it sure does sound like a squirrel.”

    • Natalie

      This last one is my favourite so far!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1127066295 Sarah Thomas

      LOVE it!

  • http://twitter.com/mike_litherland Michael Litherland

    I was at my doctor’s recently and she told me, much to my surprise, that I should really stop doing yoga. I asked incredulously, “why? Yoga is a very healthy activity.” In reply she huffed, “It makes it very difficult to perform an exam!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/david.maddock.7 David Maddock

    A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender. Bear says, “Hey man, can I get a beer…”

    (Leave the room, get a sandwich or something, come back)

    “and some of those nuts?”
    The bartender looks at the bear and says, “Sure pal, but why the huge paws?”

  • Lawrence Grodecki

    Damn, is this is a mystery? It sounds like the poor bulb never got screwed . . . such is life!

    Let me guess, some shrewd agent is holding on to it for a trilogy, but then how many shades of darkness can one take?

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    Rufus and Cletus were sitting on a log. Rufus said, “City folk’re jest plain strange.’

    “Yep,” said Cletus.

    “They’s jumpin’ off Grandpap Mountain with wings on ‘em, and a floatin’ down the holler. Hang gliders, they call ‘em.”

    “Tain’t right,” said Cletus.

    “So what’ve y’all been upta?” Rufus leaned back, and lit his pipe.

    “Huntin’,” said Cletus.

    “Gitcha dinner?”

    “Nope, but sure scared a big ‘ol bird. Made ‘im drop the man he was a-carryin’.”

    blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      Yikes! Funny one

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    Crystal, don’t DO that! Laughing that hard HURTS!

    • http://www.servingjoyfully.com/ Crystal

      :)

  • Andrew Budek-Schmeisser

    If a second entry’s acceptable, here’s one – if not, well, this is just for fun…

    During WW2, a British pilot was shot down over Germany, and badly wounded. He was placed in a hospital, and the Germans had to amputate his leg.

    The pilot asked that the leg be dropped in England by parachute, so that it might be buried on English soil.

    “Ja,” the German commandant said. “Ve vill honor your request.”

    A week later, the pilot’s other leg had to be amputated. Again, he asked that the leg might be returned to England.

    The Germans agreed.

    Another week passed, and one of the pilot’s arms was amputated. He asked that the arm be returned to his native land.

    “Nein!” said the German commandant. “Ve think you are trying to escape!”

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      Sehr funny :)

      • Christine

        This one made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Andrew! :)

  • http://forthisisthetime.blogspot.com/ Esther Aspling

    How do you know you need more sleep as a mom?
    When it takes another one of your children to remind you that you are an hour late picking one of your kids up from a playdate at your pastor’s house.
    How do you know you need more sleep as a mom?
    When you are shopping with a list, but walk 5 miles inside The Target circling around and around and around the aisle’s.
    How do you know you need more sleep as a mom?
    You are staring right at your kid, and you can’t honestly remember which one they are, and you’re the one that picked those crazy names.
    How do you know you need more sleep as a mom?
    You are at a children’s museum and suddenly realize you are following the wrong kid.
    How do you know you need more sleep as a mom?
    Your toddler sees a dark eyed Tim Burton character and says, “that’s what you look like!”

    :-)

  • http://www.danerickson.net/ Dan Erickson

    What if we’re not funny? I’m actually good with humorous stories, but I’d have to think long and hard about a joke. Maybe I’ll be beck before Cinderella finds the golden slipper.

  • Madeline Mora-Summonte

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

    A: It depends on how thin you slice them.

    (This is actually my husband’s joke. He’s a lawyer.) :)

  • http://twitter.com/quirkycity Heather C Button

    Silly joke:
    What did the snail say while riding the turtle’s back?
    Whee!!!

    Musical joke:
    How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune?
    You ask 1 to stop playing.

    That’s all I got.

    • Jackie Lea Sommers

      LOL on the piccolos!

  • Ugochi

    Okay…backstory first -I finally subscribed for your blogs/newsletters on 5/3 and forgot all about it (it dawned on me after the joke below that I never actually got the first blog until yesterday) also…I submitted my query letter to you on 5/7.

    Fast forward yesterday afternoon. I was awakened from my nap by my phone-email notification and i opened the notification to see this title-
    From: Rachelle Gardner; “Agents represent authors”

    I literally peed in my pants! Yes now come to think of it, the title isn’t that close to what a query reply from you would look like but could you blame me…I woke up from a 2.5 hour nap and my eyes were still heavy. I was about to do the hallelujah dance when I was prompted to open the email.

    Needless to say…my husband laughed me to scorn later that day

    Ugochi

    (Shaking my head seriously)

  • Lori

    I don’t know how true this actually is:
    An editor, an author, and an agent are having dinner at a restaurant. When the check arrives, both the editor and the author are struggling to figure out the tip. The agent snatches the check and says “Give me that. I can tell you 15% of anything.”

  • http://twitter.com/CandidKathryn Kathryn Elliott

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Anita.
    Anita who?
    Anita enter this contest, but my WIP needs more ZIP.

    :-)

  • http://twitter.com/CandidKathryn Kathryn Elliott

    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Anita.
    Anita who?
    Anita enter this contest, but my WIP needs more ZIP.

    • http://twitter.com/CandidKathryn Kathryn Elliott

      Pardon the repeat – my phone has a mind of its own!!

  • Tom

    True Story/Joke I
    heard in my local. (in England)

    Everyday “the twins” (male, quite elderly, the types who dress the
    same, you know the sort) come in the pub at about 7pm. Last night however at
    about twenty past seven a single flustered twin enters the pub alone met by the
    obvious enquiries to where twin number two is…

    He answers that his twin won’t in tonight as he slipped over on the way home
    last night and was quite badly hurt his back..

    This grabs the attention of the locals.

    The twin explains the story of what happened detailing the extent of rain and
    the wind before getting to the point and timing of the devastating slip.

    He again is bombarded about the absent twins welfare amongst general well
    wishes, before revealing the exact cause of the damaging slip which has kept
    his sibling from the pub?

    “It was a bloody crisp packet!”

    This is met by the locals groans and utter dismay towards the youth of today
    who just drop litter like it’s going out of fashion, along with closed eyes and
    people touching their backs imagining the pain the poor twin must be feeling.
    They passionately feel for the lone twin and are all sincere and genuine as the
    pub is a close knit place. The tributes continue for several minutes and the
    noise of the usually quiet pub is quite loud with chatter for some time before
    the usually silence is restored until a relatively unknown gentleman at the bar
    stands up and says in a completely serious manner that he has an important
    question:

    “What flavour was it?”

  • Elissa

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    A: To prove to the armadillos it can be done.

  • Nicole

    So what do you call seven blondes in a circle?
    A dope ring.
    ;) (I know it’s an old one, but it usually always gets a laugh.)

  • Richard Mabry

    A doctor’s phone rings at 2 AM. “Doc, my wife is hurting something terrible. I think it’s her appendix.”

    “I took out your wife’s appendix two years ago. Go back to sleep.”

    Five minutes later, the phone rings. “Doc, I’m sure it’s her appendix.”

    “Did you ever hear of anyone having a second appendix?”

    Two minutes later, the phone rings. “Did you ever hear of anyone having a second wife?”

  • Jana Hutcheson

    A blonde called the police to report that thieves had been in her car. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and the accelerator,” she cried.

    Before the police could investigate, the phone rang again. “Nevermind,” said a voice. “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

  • Jana Hutcheson

    What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?

    Is it mine?

  • Jenni Wiltz

    This one’s in honor of Mother’s Day: A pregnant woman hobbles into the emergency room, one hand on her back. A nurse asks her what’s wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry…I don’t understand.” The pregnant woman’s face contorts in pain as she shouts, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!” The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. “Admit her,” the doctor said. “She’s having contractions.”

  • Alex Newman

    A man walks into a bar…

    …and says “Ow!”

    • Jon

      Alex, how about this…

      Two guys walk into a bar, which is kinda dumb because the second one should have seen it.

  • bernadette

    Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    The interrupting cow
    The interrup…
    Moo!
    (works better out loud. Substitute animal of choice!)

    • Angela Brown

      This is another one my little one told me that made me giggle. :-)

  • Guest

    How do you spell Canada?
    C (eh?) N (eh?) D (eh?)

    • Darlene L. Turner

      Hey, I take offense to that one. BAHAHAA! I’m Canadian and I never use EH?!!!! LOL! :D

  • Joseph Chandler

    This is a retelling of
    a story I was told long time ago –Joseph Chandler

    An old man and a young boy were traveling from one village
    to another. The old man was riding on a donkey and the boy was walking on foot.

    They came upon a group of villagers. The villagers looked at
    them and said “look at that mean old man riding the donkey and making the poor
    little boy walk.”

    So they decided the boy should ride the donkey and the old
    man will walk.

    They came upon another group of villagers. The villagers
    looked at them and said “look at that stupid boy riding the donkey and making
    the poor old man walk.”

    So they decided they both should ride the donkey.

    They came upon another group of villagers. The villagers
    looked at them and said “look at these two idiots riding that tiny little
    donkey.”

    So they decided they both should walk, pulling the donkey
    behind them.

    They came upon another group of villagers. The villagers
    looked at them and said “look at these two fools walking on foot when they have
    a perfectly good donkey they could be riding.”

    Now they don’t know what to do. They have already tried all
    the possible combinations, none of which seem to be good enough.

    So came up with a brilliant idea. They decided they will
    carry the donkey. This way if any one sees them they will ass u me there is something wrong with donkey and that’s why they
    are carrying it.

    They were walking along a ridge carrying this not so amused
    donkey when it slipped off their hand and fell down the gorge and died.

    The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you
    can kiss your ass goodbye!

  • Mike

    Okay, this is not dirty, at least I don’t think so….If you think it is, I won’t be offended if you delete.

    A young man walks into a bar carrying a brown paper grocery bag. He sits down next to an older man and orders a drink.

    “What’s in the bag?” the old man asks, being nosy.

    The young man reaches into the paper sack, pulls out a decorative bottle, and places it on the bar. Then he reaches in again and retrieves a miniature piano, along with a one foot tall man. The doll-sized human sits down on his bench and starts playing a Beethoven piece.

    “Oh my word, where did you find him?” the bewildered old man asked.

    The young man pointed to the bottle. “Just rub that bottle and make a wish.”

    The old man grabbed the bottle and rubbed it furiously. Suddenly, the bar became jam packed with ducks. Every inch of space was taken up by the feathery fowl.

    “That wasn’t what I wished for,” the irritated elder grumbled. “I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!”

    The younger man pointed to the piano player and said, “You didn’t really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist, did you?”

  • Jackie

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
    checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists —
    two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of
    the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
    circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a
    chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I
    could never shoot my wife,”

    The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
    into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
    came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
    The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go
    home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband.
    She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot
    after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
    stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys
    didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to
    death with the chair.”

  • Carole Anderson

    Technology challenged couple.
    Husband: (proud) I just got my first text message.

    Wife: (smiling) Isn’t this so much fun.

    Husband: (confused) What does idk mean?

    Wife: What?

    Husband: What does idk mean?

    Wife puzzled scratching her head.

    Wife: I don’t know.

    Husband: Me either.

  • http://mistiwolanski.com Carradee

    How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?

    . . .

    Wanna go ride bikes?

    [/joke]
    (Note that the folks I know with ADD actually love this joke and say that it’s entirely accurate.)

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      I resemble that. :)

  • Colin D Smith

    One of my favorites:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog? :D

  • Colin D Smith

    One of my favorites:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog? :D

  • http://www.knowableword.com/ Peter Krol

    Q: If you want to change a lightbulb, how many editors do you need?
    A: The way this is worded does not conform to our style guide.

  • Mark Randall

    A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a pistol and shoots the waiter. As he walks out the door the wounded waiter protests, “What did you do that for?”
    “Google me,” said the panda.
    So the waiter did. It said,
    “Panda – eats shoots and leaves.

  • Glendalough

    A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
    “It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
    “Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
    The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
    “Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”

  • Mary

    What did one boob say to the other boob? We better get some support or people will think we’re nuts!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Sayer/658769605 Megan Sayer

      HAHAHAHA!! That one had me in stitches :)

  • Jo Murphey

    Stroke humor.
    My left arm is tired and frustrated from doing it all. Aggravated it asks my left, paralyzed arm, “What are you doing?”
    My left arm answers, ” Not much. Just hanging around.”

  • Sally Hepworth

    Two hippos are out in the jungle and one says to the other ‘you’re fat’. The other is taken aback and says ‘c’mon mate, that’s a bit hippocritical’

  • Anita Joy

    Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

    Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.

  • Ed (Dad & Scribe)

    3 Simple, Easy Instructions to Laughter:

    1- Go to http://www.Facebook/WhatMy2KidsSaid
    2- Read several postings
    3- Laugh!

    Examples:

    Eve: Why do I need to get up?
    Me: We’re going to a health food fair.
    Eve: They better have cake!

    Eve: Wanna see a magic trick, Dad? I need $20. I’ll make it disappear!

    My wife: Adam, you talk to yourself all the time!
    Adam: Well, I need expert advice.

  • Hilarey

    After many years, a shipwrecked man is found surviving alone
    on a remote island. His rescuer is confounded at the Crusoe-style luxury.

    The rescuer begins to ask questions about the various gardens
    and edifices. “What is this hut used for?”

    “Oh,” the shipwrecked man replies, “That is my home. It is
    where I have lived these many years.”

    “And this hut here?”

    “My church.” The man begins to radiate. “It is the place I
    go to worship God.”

    “Amazing,” replies the rescuer, “And this last structure
    here. What is it used for?”

    “Oh, that,” the man glances at the last hut, “that was my
    old church.”

  • Shauna

    From my third grader:
    What did 0 (zero) say to 8?
    Nice belt.

    • http://twitter.com/DinaSantorelli Dina Santorelli

      Awww, I love this one!

      • Angela Brown

        OMG, my third grader (my daughter) just told me that joke this week lol!!!

    • LynnRodz

      Cute!

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      It’s a sinch to win…get it…sinch? oh nevermind :)

  • Amy LIllard

    My favorite joke is: Why was George Washington buried at Mt. Vernon?
    Because he was dead! *snort*

  • http://twitter.com/DinaSantorelli Dina Santorelli

    My daughter came home the other day with a bunch of Chuck Norris jokes that had me in stitches:

    Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. The bear is alive. It’s just afraid to move.

    Chuck Norris doesn’t need Twitter. He’s already following you.

    Chuck Norris didn’t call the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

    :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/ty.moore1 Ty Moore

      When Chuck Norris falls in water Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris . . .

      • http://twitter.com/DinaSantorelli Dina Santorelli

        Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. :)

    • Yolanda Washington

      These are my favorites of those submitted so far. I spit out my coffee laughing.

      • http://twitter.com/DinaSantorelli Dina Santorelli

        Chuck Norris tells Simon what to say. :) I’m with you, Yolanda! I love these.

    • http://www.facebook.com/hannah.little.1804 Hannah Little

      Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. :)

      • http://twitter.com/DinaSantorelli Dina Santorelli

        Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/shawn.inmon Shawn Inmon

    A man goes to his doctor because he isn’t feeling well. When the doctor examines him, he finds a carrot in his nose, a green bean in one ear and a cherry tomato in the other. “I think I’ve found your problem,” the doctor says, “You’re not eating right.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/MarthaReynoldsMcVeigh Martha Reynolds

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
    produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
    which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him…..

    A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    • Christine

      Very clever!

  • Patti Buff

    This joke was made up by my son whose first language is German.

    A little boy goes to the doctor for a checkup.

    “Well – you’ve certainly grown,” the doctor said. “You’re 3 feet, 3 inches tall now.”

    Later that day, the boy ran up to his father as he came home from work. “Daddy, daddy. Guess what?” the little boy cried. “I’m 3 feet, 3 toes high now!”

  • Terry Shames

    Beautiful blond woman is sitting in a bar waiting for a friend. Next to her a bunch of tipsy businessmen are making blond jokes. Finally, she’s had it! She stalks over to the table and says, “I’ll have you know all blonds aren’t dumb.” One man says, “Prove it.” “Okay, I will. I can name the capital of every state. I’ll bet none of you can do that.” All agree that that’s pretty impressive. “So test me,” she says. “All right. What’s the capital of Wisconsin?” “Oh, pooh, that’s so easy. W”

  • Jerry

    Two atoms were walking down the street. One says to another, “I think I lost an electron.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “I’m positive.”

  • tamarahillmurphy

    My all-time favorite joke for word lovers (also because it’s the only one I can actually remember the punch line):

    “What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?”

    “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      Good one!

  • Craig Soffer

    OK, here goes. Instead of a joke, I’m going to submit a reading weekend suggestion. PIck up “Batman:The Killing Joke”, a Batman graphic novel by Alan Moore. When you’re done with it and a billion ideas about the future flood your mind, we can talk. :)

    and….as a bonus, I offer the following true stories:

    “Student: Teacher, do you have any other jobs? Teacher: Yes, actually. I’m a novelist. Student: Are you published? Teacher: Well, not as such… Student: Then isn’t that a hobby?”

    OK, one more, just one more. True story: “EFL Student: Teacher, you helped me so much. My English nothing without you.” Teacher: Thank you. That means a lot to me. EFL Student (reverentially): God blast you!”

    I also want to say that you deserve some pride from the fact that any winner of this contest is going to choose the phone call. Whereas, if I were to run this contest, it would be a good day for the accountants at Amazon.

    OK, last one: How many people saw the contest as an opportunity to help themselves, or an opportunity to help our beloved guru, Rachelle?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ty.moore1 Ty Moore

    A farmer’s field catches on fire and in an effort to save it he calls in the fire department.

    The fire department rolls in and despite their best effort to fight the blaze it continues to grow. Pretty soon the news station arrives on scene and the neighbors are all gawking. The battalion commander sidles up to the captain and out the side of his mouth says, “You think we should call in the volunteer department to help?”

    The captain gives the battalion commander a serious stare and then says, “Yeah, we better.”

    Before long a battered old fire truck comes roaring down the road. People scatter as the truck flies past them, takes a berm with a jump, and lands right in the middle of the fire. The volunteers can be seen frantically attacking the fire, running all directions in an effort to control the flames.

    Before long the fire is out.

    Charred and smoking the volunteer captain approaches the crowd of people and the farmer runs up to him and writes him a check for ten thousand dollars on the spot. The news crew follows, and with cameras rolling and microphone ready the news reporter says, “Wow, that’s quite a reward! What are you going to do with the money?”

    Half dazed the volunteer captain looks at the check and says, “Isn’t it obvious? We’re going to get the brakes fixed on that truck.”

  • June Bourgo

    An old southern farmer was speeding down the road in his old rusty old pick-up. The sheriff pulled him over and sauntered up the open truck window and asked: “Got any I.D.?” The old farmer pondered this for a minute and asked: “Bout what?”

  • June Bourgo

    As Andrew said, here’s a second one, if not allowed, it’s for fun too and this one is true. When my granddaughter was three she went to church with her grandfather on the inlaw’s side of the family. Now he is an Elvis fanatic and has a picture of Elvis and Jesus on his walls at home.

    All was quiet in the full church, when my granddaughter saw the picture of Jesus on the pulpit and yelled excitedly: “Look Papa, it’s Elvis.”

  • Jeannine B. Everett

    In Haiku form

    I’m a trophy wife

    Because these days you get one

    For just showing up

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      Funny stuff!

  • Christine Dorman

    Thank you, Rachelle. A little humor is always helpful.

    A snail was mugged by a turtle. When the police asked, “Can you describe your assailant?” Mr. Snail replied, “No, it all happened too fast!”

    Have a great weekend, everyone.

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      Cute :)

  • Douglas L. Thompson

    An aspiring author, talented editor and well established publisher walk into a bar. Immediately the publisher is booted from the establishment. Why?

    Answer: It was a Self-Pub

  • http://www.facebook.com/cindy.scinto Cindy Valenti Scinto

    I taught a marketing class for authors. Someone asked the best way to schedule a book signing. My reply? “Call the police station. They do a lot of bookings there.”

  • Angela Brown

    Offer up a joke…hmmm…the coveted prize truly is worth Googling a great funny or adding “a Madam and a Priest walk into a bar…” something or other. But I’ve gotten a lot of laughs from the fine folks who’ve already skewered blondes, Mahatma and stroke victims. I’ll settle back from my laughter now and have a great day :-)

  • Jackie Lea Sommers

    A community center employee was giving a tour of the
    facility when they walked past a room with a sign on the door that read “Masochism Club—meets Tuesdays.”

    “That’s kinda strange,” remarked one visitor. “A masochism club?”

    “Shhh,” said the tour guide. “That’s just our in-house term for them.
    They call themselves a writing critique group.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1127066295 Sarah Thomas

    I grew up in WV where dams are named after the nearest town–e.g. Burnsville Dam. Until they built a dam near the town of Gad. They called that one Summersville Dam.

    • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

      :)

  • Ramon Presson

    YOU KNOW YOU’RE SERIOUS ABOUT WRITING WHEN…

    You critique the writing inside any greeting card sent to you.

    You resent your parents for your happy childhood.

    You keep a bad job or stay in a bad relationship because
    it’s good material.

    You despise picture postcards because that square on the
    back is a ridiculously small space to write anything.

    You don’t read for pleasure, but to scout the competition.

    You are really annoyed by typos you see on Facebook.

    You sometimes think about the advantages of being in prison such as
    1) not having to plan & cook meals,
    2) not having to decide what to wear
    3) having plenty of time to write.

    When texting you can’t bring yourself to type a contraction word
    without using the apostrophe.

    You’ve often thought about what you want your dying words to
    be. And you keep revising and editing it.

    At parties you check out the host’s bookshelves the way other people snoop through medicine cabinets.

    A simple e-mail takes an hour because you revise it 10 times
    before hitting Send. Then you retrieve it again from the Sent folder and read it again and wish you could change something.

    Your first response on receiving a hateful or depressing e-mail is not outrage or despair at the content, but an urge to edit for
    clarity and grammar.

    You go out in a snowstorm wearing a t-shirt because it was summer when you started writing your book.

    You scan your grocery receipt and mentally work all the
    items into a narrative: “Disappointed to see the eggnog was sold out,
    she turned with mounting despair to the next item on her list, camembert
    cheese, and thought back to that autumn evening years ago…”

    You’re still steamed about the measly B+ grade your son got on the Grapes of Wrath paper you helped him write.

    Your Christmas letter is always late because you sweat over it as though it was being reviewed by the acquisition editor at Simon &
    Schuster.

    Your doctor tells you that you have an extremely rare incurable and untreatable tropical disease and you think, “I can use this.”

  • Jon Seale

    Not a joke, but a true story. My eight year old daughter broke her wrist a couple of weeks ago. How she did it was not really interesting, and a little embarrassing to her: she tripped over a pile of dirty clothes.

    So, after seeing her awkward response to people asking what happened, I encouraged her to come up with a humorous answer, to deflect her embarrassment.

    I dropped her off at children’s church on Sunday, someone asked what happened, it went like this:

    “What happened to your arm”

    “It got hurt juggling”

    “Juggling? I didn’t know you could juggle”.

    “I can’t, my dad was juggling and he dropped me”.

    • Lynn Mosher

      LOL Love what goes through a kid’s mind! Too funny!

  • Kelly Marino

    Q: What’s the true definition of an atheist?

    A: Someone who watches a Notre Dame vs. SMU game, and doesn’t care who wins.

  • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

    Having Asperger;s (true), I have issues with my short term memory. Fortunately, I found stuff called Ginko Biloba that aids memory, so I bought a bottle. When I arrived home, I discovered I had a bottle already.

  • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

    Funny Stuff!

  • http://www.facebook.com/alexbesher Alexander Besher

    House is filled with hundreds of ostriches. Something spooks them and they all run out of the house except for one ostrich. After a while, said ostrich steps outside to see where all his ostrich friends have gone. What he sees: Hundreds of ostriches right outside the house with their heads buried in the ground. Looking at them, the last ostrich wonders out loud: “Where IS everyone?”

  • http://marilynnbyerly.com/ Marilynn Byerly

    An elderly widow lives in a broken down old house with her black cat. She loves the cat who loves her, too, and he follows her around the house just to be with her.

    One day, she’s puttering around the attic storage room and finds a weird oil lamp that her beloved husband Fred bought at a yard sale years before and promptly forgot. Smiling at herself at this memory, she wipes off the dust on the lamp, and a genie pops out.

    He offers her three wishes.

    She thinks for a while then says, “I wish to be young, healthy, and beautiful again, as I was on my wedding day.” Sagging flesh firms, wrinkles disappears, and her hair become blonde and luxurious once more.

    “I wish that this house be as it was when I moved in as a bride.” The house shudders and becomes new again.

    “I wish–”

    The genie stops her. “I cannot bring the dead back to life. That is beyond my magic.”

    With a nod of acceptance, she says, “I wish that the only creature who loves me become my husband.”

    The cat who has never left her side during the whole strange encounter suddenly blurs and begins to change. Standing before her is a handsome man with the green eyes of her cat and its black hair.

    When he smiles down at her, her toes curl, and she is barely aware that the genie and the lamp have disappeared. Her new husband takes her in his arms, and she is the one who purrs.

    Bending, he whispers in her ear, “Now aren’t you sorry you had me neutered.”

    • Cindy

      rofl

  • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

    Having Asperger;s (true), I have issues with my short term memory.
    Fortunately, I found stuff called Ginko Biloba that aids memory, so I
    bought a bottle. When I arrived home, I discovered I had two bottles
    already.

  • http://twitter.com/PJCasselman P J Casselman

    Having Asperger;s (true), I have issues with my short term memory.
    Fortunately, I found stuff called Ginko Biloba that aids memory, so I
    bought a bottle. When I arrived home, I discovered I had three bottles
    already.

  • http://www.facebook.com/erich.penhoff Erich Penhoff

    The ghosts of three old but distinguished writers celebrate the Paris Book Festival in the Ivories bar. That is downstairs in Harry’s New York Bar. Ernest M. Hemingway of the US, Gustave Flaubert of French heritage and the German Blue blood Heinrich von Kleist. Bragging and reminiscing, sneering at the modern writers and just being belligerent Flaubert extolls the classic form of his new statue in Place Pigalle! The revered Heinrich von Kleist waves his hand dismissing Flaubert. “This is nothing, my statue in Berlin was praised by the Kaiser himself. Ernest Miller Hemingway pushes back from the bar, he puts money on the counter and walks to the stairs. He stops short, turns around he snarls at the two scribes, “I am so happy for you both, you have provided the Pigeons a new place to shit on! Good bye Gentlemen!”

  • Sara Davison

    No one has said it was against the rules, so here are two:

    Three elderly sisters are sitting around the table. One says she is going to have a bath and goes upstairs. A few minutes later the other two hear her hollering, “I have one foot in the tub and can’t remember whether I was getting in or out!” The second sister sighs and says, “I’ll go help her.” A minute later the remaining sister hears her call out, “I’m halfway up the stairs and can’t remember if I was going up or down.” Shaking her head, the third sister mutters to herself, “may I never get as muddled in the head as those two” and she raps her knuckles on the wooden table for luck. Then she calls out to her two sisters, “I’ll be right up to help you, as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

    And:

    Two elderly couples had just finished having dinner. The women headed off to the kitchen to clean up. The one gentleman turned to the other, patted his stomach, and said, “that was a delicious meal.”

    The other man replied, “if you thought that was good, you should have seen the meal we had at this fabulous restaurant last week.”

    “What was the restaurant called?”

    The second man wrinkled his forehead. “What do you call that flower that women like to get, the one with the thorns?”

    “A rose?”

    “That’s it.” The second man tipped back his head and hollered, “Rose, what was the name of that restaurant we went to last week?”

  • LynnRodz

    Like others before me, I’ve included two jokes instead of one. They’re a little risqué, but not to the point of getting eliminated, I hope!

    75 year-old Tom goes to see his doctor for a thorough checkup. At the end of the exam the doctor hands him a little bottle with a cap and tells him to take it home and bring back a sperm sample for testing.

    The next day, Tom goes back to the doctor and hands him the empty bottle. The doctor looks at him and asks, “Why? What happened?”

    Tom says, “Well doctor, I tried with my right hand without success. Then with my left hand, that didn’t help. So I asked my wife to help me, she tried with her right hand and then her left, but that didn’t work. So then she tried with her mouth, with her teeth, then without her teeth….still nothing! So we asked the young neighbor next door and she tried with her right hand and her left, and then with her mouth…”

    The doctor shocked, interrupts Tom and says, “You even asked your young neighbor to help you!”

    “Ah, yes doctor,” Tom replied, “you see we tried everything and no one could get this damn cap off the bottle!”

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A married couple is sitting in front of the television…

    Husband: Are you going to tell me why you’re making such a long face ever since I’ve come home?

    Wife: You want to know! Because it’s our 20th wedding anniversary and we’re sitting here like two asses in front of the TV!

    Husband: Oh my God! I’ve been so busy at work that I completely forgot about it! I’m so sorry darling….put on your prettiest dress, and I’ll take you out on the town!

    Wife: Oh Billy, I knew you couldn’t be such an awful, forgetful husband!

    Sometime later at the best restaurant in town…

    The Maître d’: Good evening Mr. Grant. (The Maître d’ clicks his finger to one of the waiters.) Prepare a table for Mr. Grant!

    Wife: They seem to know you here.

    Husband: Oh…I’ve probably had lunch here one or two times with some clients.

    Dinner over, the couple leaves the restaurant and Billy suggest taking his wife dancing. At the entrance to the nightclub there’s a long line of people waiting to go in. Billy tells his wife not to worry as they go directly to the doorman.

    Husband: Hey Joe, how’s it going?

    Doorman: Pretty good Billy, go right on in!

    Inside the club, the owner comes up to Billy…

    Owner: Good evening Mr. Grant. (He also clicks his finger to one of his employees.) Clear a table for Mr. Grant!

    Billy’s wife looks at her husband…

    Wife: Do you come here often?

    Husband: Uh, no…the owner is a client of mine…

    Seated at their table a pretty young cocktail waitress arrives…

    Waitress: Should I bring you the usual Billy?

    At that moment one of the dancers on stage takes off her panties and cries out to the audience…

    Dancer: And who are the panties for?

    The whole room shouts: They’re for Billy!!!

    At this point the wife becomes enraged! She screams at him as Billy escorts her out of the club and into a taxis. The argument continues…

    Husband: Darling! Don’t ruin this beautiful evening!

    Wife: What do you take me for, an idiot?! You’re an ass! Don’t touch me!

    The taxis driver turns around and looks at Billy…

    Taxis Driver: Hey Mr. Grant, it’s been 20 years that I’ve known you. I’ve driven you with all kinds of women, some nice ones, some not so nice, hundreds of them, but none of them have been a pain in the ass like this one!

  • http://christianmomthoughts.com/ Natasha Crain

    The producers of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Sesame Street have decided to create a single combined show to realize significant cost savings for both companies. The theme song will be, “M-I-C-K-E-Y ELMO-U-S-E”.

    I suppose people will only get this if they know how that song sounds. :)

    (This idea actually came from my 4-year-old daughter, who thought that was really what the Mickey Mouse song said! She asked one day, “Mommy, why does the Mickey Mouse song have Elmo in it?)

  • http://www.facebook.com/jack.saux Jack Saux

    I don’t know if true stories can count as jokes, but here goes.

    I live in New Orleans and was visiting Jennifer, my Texas daughter. She asked if I would cook my family famous shrimp pasta for a group of her friends.

    I was in the grocery examining the various types of shrimp when I saw something new. The heads had been removed from the shrimp, the shell remained on, but was split down the back with the “vein” removed.

    I asked the butcher where he had obtained the shrimp.

    “Right here in Texas,” he stated proudly.

    I pointed at the missing vein. “But why? That removes all the flavor.”

    His response, “You gotta be from New Orleans.”

  • Janet Kay Jensen

    BAD Parrot

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
    parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious
    and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
    change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
    polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
    think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
    The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
    parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
    threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
    freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
    and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
    Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
    the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
    onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I
    may have offended you with my rude language and
    actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
    transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can
    to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

    John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
    dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
    softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

  • Sharon Henning

    A frog enters a bank. He walks up to the teller, Patricia Wack, puts a ceramic elephant on the counter, and says:

    “I want a loan for a million dollars.”

    Patricia Wack: A million dollars? What’s your collateral?
    Frog: That elephant.
    Patricia Wack: That’s it?
    Frog: And my father is Mick Jagger.
    Patricia Wack: I don’t know. I’m going to have to talk to the president of the bank. Wait here.

    Patricia Wack picks up the ceramic elephant and walks into the president’s office.
    Patricia Wack: Sir, there’s frog out there who wants a loan for a million dollars. He says that Mick Jagger is his father and this little elephant is his collateral. I mean what is this?

    Patricia hands the elephant to the president who studies it. Finally he says:

    “It’s a knick knack, Paddy Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.

  • Awnali

    My daughter (a natural blonde) collects blonde jokes, and this is one of my favorites:
    What do you get when you line a bunch of blondes up ear to ear?
    A wind tunnel.

  • http://twitter.com/MaryAnnKempher MaryAnn Kempher

    What a fantastic, and generous prize.

  • Stacy Couch

    My sister told me about this conversation she had with my nephew, a 6-year-old with a very active imagination.

    Nephew: I’m glad we don’t have pets, Mommy.
    My sister: Really? Why?
    Nephew: I’m a werewolf, Mommy. I’d eat them.

  • Brenda K.

    A man with an ostrich walked into a diner and sat down at
    the counter. When the waitress asked him what he wanted to eat, he said, “I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and a soda.”The ostrich said, “Oh, that sounds wonderful. I’ll have exactly the same thing.” When the bill came, the man reached in his pocket and pulled out exactly the right amount, paid the bill, and left.

    The next day, the same man came into the restaurant with his ostrich once again. The waitress greeted him and said, “What’ll you have?” He answered, “Hmmm. I think I’ll have the fish special and a cup of coffee.” “Ooohhh, crooned the ostrich, “that sounds absolutely delicious. I’ll have exactly the same thing.” When the waitress brought the check, the man reached in his pocket and pulled out precisely the amount of money needed to cover his bill.

    Later in the week, the man and ostrich showed up at the diner a third time. The man ordered a burger, fries, and an iced tea, to which the ostrich said, “A perfect choice yet again. I’ll have exactly the same thing.” Just
    as before, when presented with the bill, the man pulled from his pocket the
    needed amount and headed for the door.

    “Wait,” cried his server, “I can’t stand this anymore! Why do you carry around a talking ostrich, and how do you always manage to have
    exactly the right amount of cash to pay your bill?”

    “Well,” explained the man, “last month I met a genie, and he
    gave me two wishes. For my first wish, I asked to always have enough money in my pocked to buy anything I wanted.”

    “Smart wish,” said the waitress. “What else did you wish for?” She waited expectantly as her customer hesitated and then explained.

    “I wished for an exotic chic with long legs who would always
    agree with everything I said.”

    • Angle

      Thats funny

  • http://twitter.com/womenswrites womenswrites

    Guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
    Bartender says, “Cute. What do you call him?”
    Guy says, “I call him Tiny, ’cause he’s my newt!”

  • Sharon Gagnon

    WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

    This one is priceless. A lesson to be learned from

    typing the wrong email address!!

    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

    The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I’ve Arrived

    Date: July 19, 2010

    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

    I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!! Sharon Gagnon

  • http://twitter.com/mhamilton122 Mary Hamilton

    There was some confusion at the local sporting goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of a box of shotgun shells, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, I did as she instructed. When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I learned she was referring to my credit card.

    I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They really need to make instructions more clear for us seniors!

  • June Bourgo

    Here’s my third entry for fun:
    On my husband’s 65th birthday he requested black forest cake. My 12 year old grandson said but Papa I only eat angel food cake. Papa said well grandson it’s my birthday and I want black forest cake. When you have your 65th birthday you can have angel food cake. My grandson quipped back without missing a beat. “Papa, when I’m sixty-five you’ll be eating real angel food cake.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/cecily.paterson.thew Cecily Thew Paterson

    A man walked into a pet shop looking for a bird. “The only problem is I don’t have a lot of money.”
    “I’ve got a really cheap parrot,” said the owner. “But he’s got one problem. He used to belong to a pirate and he’s got terrible language.”
    “That’s okay,” the man said. “I’m sure it can’t be that bad,” and he took the parrot.
    All the way home the parrot abused his new owner with the most filthy language the man had ever heard. This went on for days. No matter what the man did, the parrot called him horrendous names, insulted his home and even abused his guests.
    Finally the man had enough.
    “If you don’t stop this, I’ll… I’ll… I’lll….” he swirled around, looking for a suitable punishment. “If you don’t clean up your mouth, I’ll put you in the freezer for two minutes.”
    The parrot didn’t believe him. “You &*(@#$ @#$&*(” he screeched. “You @#$(*& won’t do that.”
    The man was so angry that he grabbed the parrot. “Oh yes I will,” he said and slammed him into the freezer and shut the door.
    Twenty seconds later there was a loud knocking from the freezer door. The parrot was apologising.
    “Dear Sir, I sincerely regret my infamous speech and have hereby resolved never to be such a fountain of abuse or vile insults in the future. Please be so kind as to let me out.”
    His owner relented and opened the freezer door to have the parrot climb, shivering, out onto his shoulder.
    “Oh my, that was cold,” it said. “I truly apologise for my actions and will be a model pet from here on in.”
    Then it leaned over and looked into the man’s face. “If I might just ask,” it said, “The chicken. In the freezer. What did it do?”

  • Darlene L. Turner

    A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

    She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the
    fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a
    steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

    “Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

    A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.

    “Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

    “Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

  • Nancy DS

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says, ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

    • LynnRodz

      Thanks again, Nancy! I couldn’t stop laughing!

  • Nancy DS

    A little old lady goes to her doctor. “Doc, I have this problem with gas…I toot a lot, but it doesn’t bother me much. They never smell and are always silent. In fact, I’ve done it about ten times since I’ve been here and you didn’t even notice.” The doc says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns and says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now I’m worse! My gas is the same, but now it smells BAD!”

    “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s get to work on your hearing.”

    • LynnRodz

      Hilarious!

  • Monique

    What’s the best place for an agent to find a boyfriend? Speed dating night – she can effectively assess their entire potential in a 5 min pitch.
    What’s the worst place for an agent to find a boyfriend?
    At a house party. She’ll work the room in 30 min flat then go, leaving all behind baffled and confused.

  • Wendy Greenley

    What do you get when you cross Lassie with a cantaloupe?
    Ready to groan?
    Melon-collie babies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/trina.schilling Trina Schilling

    A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, get out of here! We don’t serve mushrooms here.” Mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi!”

  • marilyn

    What happens when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

  • LynnRodz

    I don’t think you got the memo, Tim! Rachelle asked for a joke to make her laugh, not a racial slur!

  • http://twitter.com/MSeeseTweets Michael Seese

    Father O’Malley was saying goodbye to his parishioners one Sunday when a tearful Mary McGrady walked up.

    “Mary, my child, what could be troubling you on such a fine day?”

    “Oh, Father,” she said. “My beloved husband Patrick passed away quite suddenly last night.”

    “Dear God! Mary, that is awful news. I had no idea he was ailing.” The priest then composed himself and said, “I’d be happy to help with the arrangements. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

    “Just one, Father. He said, ‘Mary, PUT DOWN THAT GUN!’ “

    • Angle

      Um…

      • Michael Seese

        Um…. What? Please clarify. :)

  • http://twitter.com/DaleSRogers Dale S. Rogers

    When a friend of mine goes to weddings, the old people poke him and say, “You’re next!”
    So when he goes to funerals, he pokes the old people and says, “You’re next!”

  • Bill May

    Here’s one for Mother’s Day

    A young girl was watching her mother prepare a roast for the Sunday meal. After seasoning the meat, the mother cut about 1/2 inch off each end of the roast and then placed it in the pan. “Why did you cut the ends off?” asked the daughter.

    Thinking for a moment, the mother replied, “I don’t know, that’s what my mother always did. Let’s call grandma and ask her.” When questioned as to why she always cut off the ends of the roast, the grandma answered, “Well, that’s what my mother used to do. I learned it from her.”

    Now even more curious, the three called the great grandmother. “We want to know why you cut the ends off of the roast before you put it in the pan.”

    Without hesitation, she explained, “I cut the ends off because the roast was too big to fit in the pan.”

  • Michelle Bengtson

    Rachel,

    I agree…time to lighten the mood a bit.

    Here are two:

    1) Have you heard about the author who made a fortune because he was in the write business?

    2) There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

    When asked to define “Great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole
    world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional
    level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

    He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

    Have a great weekend!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mistertmo Craig W. Turner

    Since this is an agent’s blog, I’ll submit my favorite “book never written” title…
    DATING, co-written by Anita Mann and Amanda Love

  • http://www.facebook.com/wade.webster.31 Wade Webster

    I think this may have actually happened.

    A young Chuck Swindoll walked into a large bookstore looking for his popular new book. When he didn’t find it in the Christian book section he approached the manager. “Excuse me, do you know where I can find Improving Your Serve by Chuck Swindoll?”

    The manager points toward the sports section. “We placed it in the tennis section. We found that it sells better over there.”

  • Daryl Bishop

    A farmer comes across a pit while driving through the country. Wondering where it came from he gets out of his vehicle and notices a railroad tie lying beside it. He can’t see the bottom of the hole, so he kicks the tie into the pit and waits for it to hit bottom.

    Meanwhile, a guy pulls up in a beat up old truck and rolls down his window. “Wouldn’t have happened to see a goat around here, would you? One of mine ran off, can’t find him anywhere.” To which the farmer shakes his head.

    “I can’t understand it,” the guy says. “How could he have got loose? I had him roped to a railroad tie.”

    At that moment a goat runs past and dives headlong into the pit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/JesseOkapi Jesse Kruppa

    These are great, and definitely helped lighten the weekend. :)

    What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
    A small medium at large.

    This one is my 4 year old son’s favorite:
    What does a ghost wear when its raining outside?
    Boooooooooooooooooooooooooots!

  • Elizabeth Seckman

    Blogger dude sidles up to blogger dudette and says, “Comment here often?”

    (And if you like that, I can’t take the credit. It’s the the creation of funny man, Mark Koopmans, fellow writer, blogger, and all-round good guy.)

  • http://twitter.com/FunstarJ Josh Johnstun

    What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice for too long?

    Polaroids

  • Bree

    A woman and her ever-nagging husband went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the husband passed away. The undertaker told the old woman, “You can have him shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury him here in the holy land for $150.” The woman thought about it and decided that she would have her husband shipped home. Surprised, the undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150?”

    The woman replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

    (the real joke is the hoops we’ll jump through to talk to you on the phone! Even for 5 minutes!)

  • gamma

    How I see math word problems:

    If you have 4 pencils and I have 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.

  • Becky

    Two country boys inherited the family farm. They were having a hard time and then the mule died. They gathered all the money they had drove into town to buy another mule. Unfortunately the clerk told them a mule was two hundred dollars and they sadly related they only had twenty-five.Disappointed they walked out of the store, and noticed a couple of watermelons by the front door. Having never seen a watermelon they pointed and asked “what are those things?”

    Oh them’s mule eggs the owner replied.
    ” How much are they?”
    “Twenty five dollars”
    They grinned and said” we’ll take one”.
    It was loaded on the back of the truck and the boys headed home happy to know that before too long they we have a mule. Just then they hit a bump in the road and the watermelon flew out of the back of the truck and busted as it hit the ground.Simultaneously a jack rabbit jumped and began running.
    Seeing this in the rear view mirror, brakes were slammed on, the brothers jumped from the truck and began to chase it being convinced that a baby mule had hatched when the egg hit the ground. They chased it, running as fast as they could for about ten minutes. Finally one brother stopped running and the other shouted “come on! he’s gettin away!.”
    “Nope, I can’t go another step and besides I don’t want to plow that fast anyhow!”

  • http://twitter.com/hmlashelle H.M. LaShelle

    A man with a German Shepherd walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t allow dogs in here.”

    “But, it’s my seeing-eye dog.” the man lies. So the bartender lets the dog stay and serves the man a drink.

    As the man leaves the bar he passes a guy walking in the door with a Chihuahua. “They won’t let you in there with a dog,” the man tells him.

    “Then how did you get served?” says the guy with the Chihuahua.

    The man with the German Shepherd shrugs. “I told the bartender it was my seeing-eye dog.”

    So the guy with the Chihuahua walks on into the bar and sits down.

    “We don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

    “But it’s my seeing-eye dog,” says the guy.

    “What? They use Chihuahua’s as seeing-eye dogs?” the bartender asks.

    The guy jumps up from his barstool. “They gave me a CHIHUAHUA??”

    • LynnRodz

      Thanks for the laugh!

  • gamma

    In the Santa Cruz mountains, many former hippies settled down and named their kids Moonlight and other fanciful names, a trend that schoolteachers in the area learned to take in stride. So when the kindergarten teacher read the name tags of her new class on the first day of school, she didn’t bat an eye when she read “Fruit Stand.” He was a nice kid, although not as quick to respond as some of the others were when she spoke to him. And when it was time to line up the kids for their buses, he waited his turn while she checked each child’s name tag for their bus-stop, which was written on the back. When it was his turn, she checked the back of his tag and read, “Michael.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/rebecca.elswick Rebecca Elswick

    Two writers are standing by a sign they’ve just painted. It reads “The end is upon you! Stop or be prepared for the abyss!”
    A car passes them and in a moment they hear a splash. The writers look at each other. One says, “maybe we should have put BRIDGE OUT.”

  • http://twitter.com/Vampyr14 Kate Larkindale

    A guy walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre. The barman gave him one.

  • Addy Rae

    Years ago, when I had my wisdom teeth removed, I developed an abscess, and it had to be drained out the side of my neck.

    The first time my uncle saw me, we were letting the incision drain, but it was looking better.

    “What happened to you?” he asked.

    I was getting sick of this question so I was short, and I hoped he’d just drop it. “I got my wisdom teeth out.”

    He stared at me, and then he said, “You do know you’re supposed to go in through the mouth, right?

  • Glenn Netherton

    How many evolutionist does it take to create a book?
    The Answer is five:
    one to find another word besides create, one to be sure no one from the Islamic faith is involved so no one is offended, one to figure out how many millions of years it took for this book to be ready for editing, one to get the IRS involved in finding out what conservative wants this Amazon gift card, and finally one to arrest the religious nut that submitted this joke before anyone is attacked and Hilary has to answer questions before Congress.

  • http://twitter.com/maswriter Matthew Arnold Stern

    How many writers does it take to screw in a light bulb. It depends on the writer:
    * Non-fiction writers would research Edison’s original patents to see how he intended light bulbs to be screwed in.
    * Biographers would study Edison’s childhood to see what influences caused him to design light bulbs to be screwed in that way.
    * Romance writers use candles.
    * Fantasy writers use torches.
    * Alternate history writers would describe how light bulbs would be different if Nikola Tesla invented them and lit them with free wireless electricity.
    * Science fiction writers would create a humanoid being capable of seeing in low light and not requiring light bulbs.
    * Erotica writers know the fun stuff happens when the lights are off.

  • http://jeanettesandersen.blogspot.com/ Jeanette Andersen

    Knock Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Madame.
    Madame who?
    My damn foot stuck in the door.

  • Naomi

    A horse walks into a bar, and the barman say ” why the long face”

  • Tammy Grace

    A man tells his doctor, “Doc, you gotta help me. I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you….”

  • Pingback: Winner of the Joke Contest - Rachelle Gardner()

  • Angle

    Three men are chinese and don’t speak any english.
    They knew they needed jobs though.
    The first man got a job as a waiter and learned to say ” forks and knives, forks and knives.”
    The second man didn’t get a job but learned he loved football so he learned to say, “We did it, We did it!”
    The third man got a job as a candy man. He learned to say, “Goody, Goody Gumdrops, Goody, Goody Gumdrops!”
    There was a dead duck on the side walk. The police man drove up and asked, “Who did this?”
    “We did it we did it.”
    “What did you do it with?”
    “Forks and knives!”
    “You are all goin’ to jail!”
    “Goody goody gumdrops!”

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