Don’t Feed Your Discontent

Holy cow, Rachelle, that is so clearly put and so understandable. I have heard many times that I need to stay away from negative people, and I understand that to a certain extent, but I don’t think I realized that discussing my woes with others (and vice versa) was feeding my own discontent. And that is 100% correct as far as I am concerned. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences.

Disconntent is result of envy, justified or not, know who you are, whom you want to emulate and forget the rest. Writers also are great for agrandisement of their status…read the promontional bios, award winning on too many labels. I never know so many awards are handed out monthly. But then again, do I care? Not a bit! But if you look close so many writers are happy and content, maybe it is learning to disregard or to ignore the trumpets or strumpets, whoever comes first. But it is a good thing, a service for someone to bring it up in a blog like this! Yes definitely a good blog offering.

You know, I’ve applied the eliminated discontent thing since high school. However, I never thought of applying it to my writing life.

I would have to say that the most discontented I’ve been with that though, is that I have to scrape out time for myself. Then again, if I have all the time in the world to write it doesn’t work so well either.

This I shall have to muse on. Thank you for the excellent wake up.

Your #1 cause definitely is a double-edged sword. It is good to learn from my fellow authors. And, hearing their accomplishments does increase my drive to succeed.

But as you say, the price is feeling inadequate when I don’t get multiple requests for the full manuscript within 24 hours (which is something I have heard another author claim).

I am encouraged but also have fed my discontent at writer’s conferences. At one, we were allowed to submit questions to a panel. The moderator used mine as a joke. I really wanted a serious answer to help me as a new writer. Instead all I felt was that I was too ignorant to ask the right question.

At another, I asked for a critique of my poems. They weren’t great, maybe not even good, but they weren’t worthless either. I wanted to learn how to make them strong. Instead I was asked if I really needed to punctuate and he suggested I change one word. Now, in order not to feel inadequate, I don’t ask questions and don’t submit poetry for critique. I think it’s better just to sit and listen, and keep reading and writing.

Great post, Rachelle! You made a very important point.

We constantly evaluate ourselves based on the criteria coming from outside (magazines, commercials, colleagues and friends, etc.) that we forget we’re the only ones who have a right to define ourselves and live up to that definition. No one else gets to have a say about who we are.

And it’s no different in writing fiction — while there are genre definitions and industry drawers, and many ways to grade success, we are much more than a sum of labels that other people define or value.

Rachelle, I so appreciate this post and the honesty with which you shared. Comparing myself with others has always led to discontent. I guess in my writing life, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by other writers who are encouragers as well as wiser than me. They’ve helped me immensely in my writing. I’ve been careful about which blogs I follow, mostly because of time constraints in my daily life.

Now, ask me about comparing, and that’s a different story. I’ve struggled with comparing myself and my shortcomings to others’ strengths for years. Over the past few years I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a waste of time and energy, and it’s very discouraging. In my writing life, I’m learning to focus on learning craft and practice it. I have a couple of writing friends who I go to when I need a fresh perspective or clarification.

I also remember that God’s plan for my writing is perfect for me. I don’t want to live anyone else’s plan, I want the one He has for me. Remembering this helps me not compare my path to others’.

Love this article. Unfortunately, most of my discontent seems to come from never feeling satisfied that “I’ve got it right” with my own writing. Each time I think my revisions have finally made the book great, I look at the draft a few days later and think “this stinks!” LOL. Does any author at any success level ever feel satisfied with their work?

“As soon as you get it, you want something new.” – The Cars. Advertising is all about comparison – tempting us to desire whatever it is we don’t have so we’ll spend our money – or someone else’s – to get it, and then starting the cycle all over again. Comparison is mostly a death-trap, but often so well hidden in us that we fall into it without even realizing it.

Excellent post, Rachelle! One of my writing statements for the year is “My journey is my journey. My progress is my progress.” It’s helping with the urge of comparing myself to others. ; )

Certainly something to evaluate and think about more.

I often feel challenged in this area, called to encourage writing friends while continually reminding myself I’m on my own path.

I think it comes down to being able to weed out the rest until we reach truth. And I know there are times in my life I’m more vulnerable and less able to weed well.

To your magazine point, I was in the grocery store yesterday and I caught sight of a tabloid w/ a bunch of actresses w/out their makeup. As much as imagine stuff like that peeves them to no end (rightfully so) I think it serves as a powerful reminder.

Along the lines of what to stop, I’m intentional about not checking #s of other writer friends across other social media sites. I’ve found it’s a waste of time and it plays on my already overcrowded thoughts.

I don’t think I could cut out talking to my writer peeps. Guess it comes down once again to what we choose to talk about and whether it’s an uplifting experience or a drain.

(Apparently I don’t have much to say on this subject.)
~ Wendy

The problem of always comparing yourself to others is endemic to human nature. We’re warned about it in 2 Cor_10:12: “For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.”

Very insightful post (like always) – just like the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results…

And here I thought I was crazy.

I have been slowly pulling away from writer’s forums and the like but I couldn’t figure out why. I never made the connection to discontent. Once I decided to self-publish, I pulled away more since there is still a heavy stigmatism for authors who self-publish first. This frustrated me because I wanted to be a part of a writing community.

Thank you for explaining this. Whew! You lifted some of my guilt about pulling away. I feel so much better.

As I prepare to speak before a group of authors and readers at the Pulpwood Queen Book Club event next weekend, I find your message very timely. Perhaps my 60+ age helps me to refrain from constantly comparing myself to other authors. I try to learn from them and celebrate their successes while also being confident in my ability to connect with my own reading audience. In a nutshell, we each have our own journey. It’s fine to occasionally glance over at another author but if we take our eyes off of our own path for too long, we are likely to fall flat on our face.

Hi Rachael,

This is a wonderful post!

Like others have noted, I greatly appreciate (if not outright envy) your forthright honesty.

Much like Richard, I have avoided writers groups because of issues such as competition, inadequacy, ego, dissimilar agendas, etc. –all the frailties of the human condition, most of which I’m likely the greatest offender. Instead, I have engaged a small circle of confidants who have provided me with positive and sometimes painful constructive feedback.

But the greatest take away from your post is realizing the need to draw boundaries with those negative things in our world that we have little ability to change. For me, this has on occasion included family and even church. These choices are rarely black and white, but are nevertheless choices that should be made.

Thanks for putting this under the spotlight.

You have a valid point, Rachelle. I’ve noticed that when I watch people on tv with gorgeous homes in Hawaii or other exotic locales, I’m less content with my life.

Also, oddly enough, I found that as I learn more about publishing, the more I feel I will never be published. I
try to glean what I can, but it’s hard
to not be discouraged in such a crowded
market.

Nice post.

It is interesting that comparing oneself with other writers is used as an example of discontent and yet, MS submissions often require the writer to list other writers/novels that their work is comparable to!

I doubt that any writer writes in a vacuum, and most are influenced in one form or another by other writers, whether they realise it or not, thus comparison is inevitable.
I would venture that every fantasy novel with a ring in the story is compared to Tolkein.
How many current writers of teen-vampire novels were/are influenced by Twilight? And naturally there is the inevitable comparison.
Braam Stoker? Who’s that?

This is good (as in Ha-Ha). It’s one of the reasons I stopped commenting so much on blogs that I read – like yours. No offense.

Hope Clark’s is another that I follow, and I agree with both of you that I need to participate, give back instead of just taking, so I began to comment as often as possible – practically always.

Then I realized I’m not in the same league. It’s no different than a race. If I’m not up to someone else’s speed, why run with them? Sure I need to run, but if I can’t keep up, I’ll get discouraged, fall farther back and eventually quit.

So I decided to drop back, comment when you come around the track again, pick up some pointers while I’m observing you and let you eat my dust when my time comes.

If I shoot for the moon, I’ll only land among the stars if I miss.

Very poignant thoughts, Rachelle. I’ve just taken a blogging break, and I realized how discouraging comparisons can be. I’m deliberately cutting back on my blog commenting as I focus on writing. At the same time, I had to comment all over the place and get on all sorts of social media to get my ever-important PLATFORM in place. It doesn’t pay to be a recluse in your newbie-writer years. Connections with other CBA writers are so important, not just for the mercenary reason of having a pool of influencers, but for the encouragement you give each other through the ups and downs of this biz.

I have so many writer friends whose blogs I love to visit–humble people who have shared so much and are honest in their struggles. When they succeed, it feels like we all succeed. I appreciate every crumb of support I get from my fellow authors, and I hope to never be the “I got a contract, IN YO FACE!” kinda gal! In fact, I imagine my friends and followers will be more excited than I will be, since I’ll be in shock for at least a year.

Thanks, Rachelle. Loved the insight of this one. It’s amazing how we can learn so many valuable lessons from our OWN life if we ruminate on it for awhile.

Thank you, Rachelle. I needed to hear this.

Nice reminder, Rachelle, thank you.

I teach Mass Communication courses and we often discuss media image. It’s a trap to try to compare ourselves. I’m a writer, but was first a songwriter. As a songwriter I’m guilty of comparisons, but as a writer, I tend to not worry about it. I just do what I do.

Thanks, Rachelle, and all the rest of you. The collective wisdom here is powerful.

Insightful post.

When I reached “a certain age” all the caring about what other people thought about material things (houses, clothes, cars, etc.) vanished.

Because I’m grateful for all the good things in my life, I try not to get dragged into comparisons. When I feel myself going in that direction, I stop and remind myself that my life is blessed.

A friend pointed me at this blog today, after I just went through months of discontent writing a book I never really should have written, because it’s not what I want to write, felt like I was completely in the wrong direction, and my agent also talked me off the ledge on that this afternoon as well.

What I wanted to add, though, (and please take this in the spirit it’s offered) is that it’s not the complaining that’s hard to avoid — it’s easy to sign off lists/loops, etc and I’ve done that for a while. Heck, I don’t even watch the news because it’s so negative.

But sometimes, it’s being around all the ultra-positive folks who seem like they are “on” all the time, and they seem to be getting one contract on top of another, and letting you know every perfect review, every amazing thing that happens to them, etc and THAT’s where you can end up comparing yourself, feeling like you are doing less, worse, not enough, etc and then you end up walking down the wrong path as you try to catch up with them — NONONO! LOL And believe me, I know from whence I speak — we all fall into this trap, I think, and it’s a bad one.

Walk down your own path, and as my agent and friends remind me, enjoy your own gifts, the things that you shine in. Be truly happy for others, but don’t try to be like them.

Sam
Sam

Wow, a cool post – and very cool comments

One of life’s defining “Aha!” moments can apply to SOOO many areas. Once we’ve had one, we never look back. SO valuable!! The “Aha” is empowering, humbling, and gratifying all at once. Suddenly you have an edge. What you learned is impossible to forget.

Possibly the worst feeling is that I don’t know enough. I combat it by shushing that impatient voice and just keep reading, learning, seeking. Maybe I’ll never know enough, but I’ll always know the One who knows

Rachelle, I like your writing in many ways, but this is a message you’ve given before, and given to me personally, that I just can not get behind.

I’m guessing you don’t mean it this way, but you do know that trying to separate writers, and encourage them not to talk to each other is a tactic practised by those who wish to maintain power?

The reality is that the contracts given by the Big Six are terrible, exploitive contracts. Writers need to know about this.

They need to know so they can protect themselves, and they need to know so they can advocate for themselves, both as individuals and as a group.

I think you mean to support this practice as a psychological means of self-care, but there is a world out there, and authors need to be informed and educated.

There has been huge pressure on writers to be silent and not pass on information, please don’t continue that practice, even if your intentions are good. I hope you’ll consider what I’m saying here, it’s important.

I’ve been looking for the reason why I hate online writing groups so much. I thought it was just me being an introvert. I think you’ve fully said what I needed to hear. If there’s a feeling of dread or discontent or angst, then maybe I don’t need it. I think I’ll hand pick my writing buddies and step away from situations like this. Oh, and your parent organization at school is another reason I homeschool. ((((SHUDDER!))))