The Worst Storyline Ever Contest

Jasmine never believed in love, herself, or koalas, but when she tumbles out a window and lands on a microscopic dust-world, she falls in love with a koala who teaches her that she can achieve anything, even firing herself from her self-owned paperclip store.

A deaf and blind little old dog must sniff out and disarm five nuclear bombs planted throughout the city – but he can’t count past three…

BJ Muntain
Bjmuntain @ sasktel . net

When half-elf cop Beowin Shadowchaser’s partner is murdered, Beowin must overcome his love of alcohol and prostitutes to find the killer, leading him through dark werewolf-filled streets and back into the arms of his former lover, a vampire who knows Beowin is the child of the prophecy who could defeat her plan to destroy the city with fire-breathing dragons.

A woman robs her fiance before leaving him for a poor boy, but saves herself while she watches the boy freeze to death. Years later, she throws away the stolen jewel.

Prim accountant Matt Matticks finds his precisely-ordered world turned upside down when he meets a small talking rock on a deserted road whose Scottish-accented words only he can hear — and finds that this special rock has only one wish: to start the world’s funkiest jazz fusion combo!

Terribly bored housewife Jean learns that her cousin’s best friend is actually Superman in disguise, but after months of heroic attempts to join his exploits she learns that there truly is no S-cape in her life.

A literary agent by day, a vampire by night, Chuck finds himself the only defense against a terrorist plot to bring America to its knees by flooding the market with self-published e-books until literacy dies out, leaving only TV programs containing hidden messages promoting dastardly ideals.

Richard Mabry
DrRLMabry at yahoo dot com

This psychological thriller follows the shattered lives of eleven youth soccer players whose assistant coach walked into a forest to retrieve a lost soccer ball and never walked out again.

Kjlfrd, Supreme leader of the Akstgd, a flesh-eating race from planet Jdrft, falls in love with his dinner, Ethel, who just happens to be the last remaining human female on Earth. Not only must he fight his own instincts and the ravening hordes of his own people, he is also up against the last remaining human male who needs Ethel if the human race is to survive.

After listening to one ugly guy too many talk about whether or not the new gal in the office is cute, cubicle squatter extraordinaire Lindsay embarks on a dangerous mission to hang mirrors in every pot-bellied executive’s office in this nail biting thriller Men Who Can’t See How Bald They Are.

Finding romance on the road was never easy for carnival roustabout Melvin “Methmouth” Morris — until a thunderstorm in Georgia forced him into sassy donkey Miss Petunia’s tiny traveling stall, where Methmouth Melvin and randy ruminant Miss Petunia discover a forbidden love that spans not just species but space and time itself!

In a world controlled by humans, one farm animal dares to be different.

After skydiver Mia Faulin jumps out of a plane, she spots the hunky port-a-potty guy pumping toilets at the landing field so she must apply mascara in free fall and still deploy her parachute in time.

When a tiny meteor filled with extra terrestrial fleas hits astrobiologist Noah Dea on the noggin, he must jump through hoops to get his SETI research funded or see every doggy day care center in America invaded by a three ring flea circus.

Heather Hawke
hawke AT sonic DOT net

A rogue zombie risks his own pseudo-immortality as he endeavors to prove to a group of lifelong NRA members in an abandoned building that all any undead creature really wants is a hug.

While looking for Shangri La, Jason Booker stumbles into Langri Sha where, instead of everything being good and getting better, everything starts out bad and eventually gets horrible.

Erotic dancer, Samantha L Jackson’s sucked aboard a UFO slithering with alien snakes pulsating on poisoning earth, her promising complimentary entertainment spares humanity, but inside their reptilian replicated champagne room, our damsel in undress discovers, besides no sweaty armpits, snakes lack laps, so grinding, grinds to a halt, leaving the charming of their King Cobra–to a basket case.

With the help of friend and foe alike, the Invisible Man embarks upon a tedious and fruitless journey of self-discovery.

Sixteen year old Spring Hertle is shocked to discover that she is actually the lovechild of last surviving Roswell alien and beautiful rancher’s daughter Swift Hertle. Will Spring come to terms with her unique body shape, despite the cruel mockery of her classmates? Will she learn to wield the power emitting from her index finger? And what happens when Area 51 is once more visited by an unidentified flying object?

Tempted by the “toot” of another, Deputy McTerribleName, a notoriously flatulent cowboy-vampire, is tricked into ingesting extra-strength Beano, only to discover that his supernatural powers are inextricably linked to his tendency to fart; he must choose between an existence of gassy vampirism and a normal life.

Stripe is not some dumb shirt that hangs in a closet but is a genius, that gets to sit on Chuck’s shoulders day after day and sends him intelligent ideas in return for his sweat on it’s collar, who then comes up with even better ideas and runs various contests.

Heidi Way stepped off the plane at LaGuardia and immediately began to sense that a meth lab heiress from rural Alabama would have to do more to impress New Yorkers than it took in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Wanda Mae could not for the lfe of her figure out why her cosmetic business, Lipstick On a Pig, was not successful.

After Dopey surprises Snow White’s unprotected Happy time, Doc tests her positive for Sneezy transmitted disease, thinking the Prince may doubt her charming, and knowing Dopey’s talkative, she seduces Grumpy into threatening Dopey and Happy into remaining Bashful, but when they go missing, Snow considers confessing, worried her Prince is the next target of Grumpy’s big Sleepy.

When aging hipster realizes she is the mother of four kids, she must choose between becoming an Owling master or the PTO Treasurer. There’s only time for one.

Butt-plug, a transgender hooker who has a phobia of pooping in public, falls in love with the most unsuspecting character: a turd named Sticky. Together, they find what the true meaning of a bowl movement is.

Betsy and Maurice, two everyday cows about town, approach the altar to be married, but as they say the words “I Moo”, lightning strikes the church, sending the bovine lovers back to the old west, where they must survive in a world populated by humans, face down wrangling cowboys, and escape from the beef slaughterhouse before it’s too late.

In a society inhabited by footwear, where stiletto heels are rich divas, running shoes are professional athletes, and dangerous Rollerblade gangs roam the streets, Sunny, a lonely little yellow flip-flop, embarks on the adventure of his lifetime to find his one true sole-mate.

The Wind in the Pillows:
The tragic story of a love destroyed by night–time flatulence.

John and Angela Garrett have reached their mid-forties and are tired of their mundane lives and average marriage, being slaves to their third remortgage and their mind-numbing picking jobs in a toilet roll factory, so the sale of their house allows a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Antarctica where they get lost and freeze to death.

Logline #1
A neurotic 8yr old chinese pianist, pressurized by her evil grandma to perform a major concerto the next day, accidentally slams her finger off in the door and horrifyingly watches the cat eat it on the other side.

Logline #2
Travis Glog goes to jail for raping a goat and one day finds out that the mutated goat baby becomes a superhero who saves Japan by farting back a tsunami.

Obsessed with her desire to win the coveted role of Miss Douglas County, Sarah decides to forgo her daily scone on the way to the office, not calculating what this caloric savings would ultimately cost her as her favorite barista begins to miss their daily encounters.

Watch Bob, a painter from Oklahoma, watch the paint peel on his old plantation-style farmhouse after his wife left him, his last cow died an unexplained death while his father is on his way to see Bob to take him on a life-long journey that will change both Bob and his father forever.

In the distant future, only months from now, a reluctant hero, chosen by Fate, must lead a banana-boat full of refugee hedgehogs, Pied Piper style, to safety along the Florida Space Coast, or all will be chiffoned to death by a horde of one-handed seamstresses just itching to get their five fingers on those pin-perfect quills.

When Boring, NY is invaded by cat‐eating space monkeys, John discovers that his sweet little persians aren’t ordinary furballs, but super‐intelligent feline ninja assassins who recruit John as the leader of their resistance against the outer space simians, pitting him against a snarky airship pirate who knows how to incapacitate fully grown men with nothing but a banana.

Amber Amberjay, a greedy and ambitious mother, charges the stage clutching lip gloss and tissues after her conjoined twins — both named Sierra — sneeze simultaneously on a beauty pageant judge during the Sierras’ tap-dance routine; you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll want to call Child Welfare Services, but you can’t stop watching “Snots and Sierras.”

Donna Volkenannt
dvolkenannt (at) charter.net

46-year-old Daphne struggles to overcome her fear of boredom by immersing herself in the mundane: trips to the hardware store, hours of laundry folding, and marathons of “Full House” reruns.

When Matt, a retired font designer, began to spend his remaining years in front of a computer, he realized that MS Comic was the only computer typeface that did not give him a headache and set out on a quest to convince the world that Comic was the only way to to display type on a screen.

Cliffburt Noggswaddle founds “Bad Taste Games, Inc.” with their opening title “Concentration Camp Commandant,” in which the object of the game is, well, never mind, but when it becomes a hit in Israel, Palestinians retaliate with a musical competition featuring send-ups of Hava Nagila.

1. A carpet installer decides to kick start the unraveled seams of his life as he searches his pad for meaning.

2. A crazed psychic escapes an asylum as the police search for a small medium at large.

“Wanting desperately to change his image as a spiritual loner, Pedro the Praying Mantis buys a Harley and joins the notorious Rhinoceros Beetle Biker Club, only to meet his potential soul mate Mary Mantis, missionary extraordinaire to hard-shelled, six-legged thugs.”

1. After stumbling into a mysterious, time-traveling port-a-potty during his beach vacation, Dr. Y discovers his true calling as a beach-combing time traveler, but one pressing question remains: Will he be able to keep the disguised time machine upright in his rocky travels through time?

2. A universally-renowned ninja warrior assassin hired to kill alien warlords inadvertently destroys the Milky Way in a botched assassination attempt, triggering an intergalactic war and making himself the target of relentless armies of 20-ton squids, gun-slinging cowboys, zombies and radioactive space slugs, leaving him only 15 minutes to save the universe from total collapse.

1. In a world where humans see magical beings as second-class citizens, it’s up to one half-elf / half-fairy to save the very beings she’s been taught to hate, but before she can do that she has to fight a rabid dog, find the Tea Kettle of Ravenfield, and avoid falling in love with the troll who’s her family’s sworn enemy.

2. Men weren’t supposed to get pregnant, but now Ralph is, and he’s afraid he’ll have to go through the whole ordeal by himself and be a single father/mother/whatever, but when a magical unicorn promises to change all that, Ralph realizes he can get the father/mother/whatever of his unborn child to fall in love with him through the magic of song.

Kimberly Lynn Workman / kimberlyFDR@yahoo.com

“Apocalypse,Then”, chronicles the horror of the 2000-year Alsamic-Bullamian” War, based on each side’s claimed superiority at tic-tac-toe, decided after 1,999 ties, when the Bullamian representative thought it clever to put the ‘O’ to the side instead of the center, leading to a Bullamian loss and the most infamous five words in the nation’s history, “You win, what’s for lunch?” ,

When Samantha, a beautiful but clumsy young woman, flees clown college and the family profession to be with her beloved Everett the juggler, she and Everett become embroiled in a plot of International Espionage when Everett’s balls are tampered with and they must work against the clock to save the world.

Barbara Jean Byrem
rbbyrem@aol.com

The Letcher County Jail will never be the same when The Eastern Kentucky Retired Gardening Club decides to walk through the woods and find a native plant to make their pet project but goes awry when they mistake Marijuana for another plant called Cleome.

Passionate love ignites when Isabella Fox, who harbors a weakness for bad boys, meets the perfect man in Spike Malone–a ninth degree blackbelt ex-Navy SEAL turned motorcycle gang leader–until she discovers his secret collection of Bratz dolls.

byangelaperry@gmail.com

A half-blind lobsterman discovers the sole survivor of a UFO crash clinging to a trap and promptly measures its skull, bands its hands, and takes it home for dinner, but his psychic dog Bucktooth senses the alien diplomat’s telepathic messages and delivers it, by fault of translation, not to the King of Holland, but the King of Horror.

S. Cornwell, mainecharacter@gmail.com

A group of writers drive their editors to the edge of insanity when they ban together, refusing to use the Oxford comma in a series of items with a single conjunction even when its omission creates ambiguity.

1.) After Sam returns from an excruciatingly long and painful barefoot-jogging road trip, Sam’s mother-in-law, Susie, decides to spend some quality time with her son-in-law by taking him on a tandem-biking road trip from New York to Oregon, with only a picnic basket packed with wine and cheese, an MP3 player full of ’80s hits, and Susie’s endlessly yapping Yorkshire Terrier.

2.) When Andy’s wife leaves him for a French toothpick maker, Andy sinks his teeth into his once-neglected library of dental hygiene and discovers thousand-year-old secrets of foreign dental prestige, teaching Andy that his smile has the power to change his life and the world.

nitpicking101 {at} gmail {dot} com

When promising high school gymnast and potential homecoming king, Rick, sprains his face in a tragic cartwheeling accident, he tumbles into an international conspiracy involving cybernetic athletes at the physical therapy office, and must defend the honor of his sport while somehow finding a date for the dance, all in time to qualify for the Olympics.

When Emma, a curvy but attractive zombie, moves to Paris to learn how to cook brains and forget about her exboyfriend werewolf who ran away with her beloved but mischievous dog Marlee, she is forced to choose between following her dream of cooking w Chef Lou Botomy and saving the world from an army of teen angst fueled fairies.

While swimming in primordial ooze, Herman, single-celled and looking, hears a big bang and splits in his pants, a cataclysmic event that sends him following in the murderous wake of Yin, his recently-formed alter ego.

After years of self-imposed social isolation because of her horrific smelling farts, Jenna decides she will not punish herself for what she can’t control anymore and decides to take a 6 month submarine journey around the world looking for love.

WHEN FISH ATTACK! Diabolical mad scientist, Damon Milner, creates a sinister potion, spills it into his fish bowl which transforms his fish into hellish killer fish – It isn’t long before the fish learn how to make the same potion and dump it into the ocean & gather all the fish to their cause of taking over the world!

GOATS IN A BOAT! The exciting sequel to WHEN FISH ATTACK! Mankind is now on the run from killer fish, three farmers from Iowa escape at sea with their beloved pet goats Molly & Manny when the goats are subjected to nuclear fallout – things turn ugly as Molly starts chewing on all the liferafts!

Matt Nerzowicz, aka Sloth Man, has never backed away from a dare, but when his twin sister/arch enemy dares him to watch 4,398 coats of paint dry on a mud hut, it takes all his Sloth powers to maintain focus on the vinyl finish and ignore the peals of bank alarms as she pillages the village he likes to call home.

When a baby is born with a physical deformity involving a horn protruding from its anus, it is discovered the mother has been cheating on her husband with an inside out unicorn and the husband starts a revolution a la Les Miserables against the encroaching inside out mythical world.

In this dystopian allegory, a detached penis attempts to get a job in the bleak U.S. economy and contemplates life without a body.

This was too much fun not to enter:

While cleaning out her dead ex-husband’s fridge, Carol Butterinsky discovers a fungus-filled Tupperware bowl that she later learns holds the seed of the ‘missing link’ and sets on a course of dish crashing every church social within a 100 miles to find the owner and the missing lid.

During the long trek home on Christmas Eve, Santa falls asleep at the helm while dreaming of a world with no children and is abducted by alien bunny women, where he’s held captive as a sex slave on the planet of Chilly WaterWorld until Mrs. Claus shows up and trades him for all the elves.

2 guys stopping to get a donut saw a clown at the cash register, and unknown to them, the clown and his mother had just robbed and tied up the cashier and head donut maker, who were actually the brother and sister of the President (who was stopping by later tonight)!

Popeye, an unemployed barnacle scraper, wins a spinach eating contest but during the awards ceremony passes huge amounts of gas killing dozens of spectators, and overcome by guilt, is soon running for his life pursued by mysterious black-suited government types intent on making him the next weapon of mass destruction.

Two best friends share an apartment and their girlfriends pressure them to move out and in with them, so they decide to get gay married despite them and keep the apartment and find new girlfriends that appreciate their lavish new lifestyle as a married couple.

Jennifer Sneedley knew she’d had the most marvellous life and that people everywhere would want to read about her birth, her school years, her marriage and her children.

Lol, I just love Carrie Underwood! Carrie is so fun!

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